Fact: You will not pay $ 24. You will pay instead $ 37 for a
single Tylenol pill!
Myth: A stitch in time saves nine.
Fact: I don’t know what stitches you are talking about, but in
most hospitals around the country, nine stitches will cost you about $ 4500.
Unlike most things I write about, these facts are true. I
know they are true because they were reported by the New York Times on December 3rd, 2013. Granted, that
newspaper does have a liberal bias, but even if they exaggerated a bit, you
still end up with a pretty big number. Let’s say the New York Times reports that a Tylenol pill costs $ 37, and Fox News says it costs $ 23, you still
end up with an average of $ 30, which is enough to build a small hospital in Burundi.
Let’s face it. If you don’t want to become a victim of
overpriced pills or medical procedures, you must invest in wellness. But before
we jump into dangerous territory, such as getting up from the couch to eat a
piece of broccoli, let’s assess your overall well-being. Answer the following
quiz:
Interpersonal well-being: When you need emotional support…
a.
You hug strangers at random in the mall
b.
You post tragic messages on Facebook and stare
intently at the screen for hours in hope that somebody will feel pity for you
and throw you a word of sympathy
c.
You flip channels until you find a reality TV
show with characters more pathetic than you
If you answered a, you should wash your hands often. If you
answered b, you should go to meetup.com and start a Desperate Anonymous group.
If you answered c, you are like 99.9% of Americans.
Community well-being: When there is crime in your
neighborhood…
a.
You blame the police
b.
You blame the National Rifle Association
c.
You blame Obamacare
If you answered a, you are in trouble because the police
will come after you next. If you answered b, you are Piers Morgan. If you
answered c, you are watching too much Fox
News.
Occupational well-being: When you are not satisfied with
your work…
a.
You spend 95% of your time at work on the
internet looking for another job
b.
You spend 85% of your time at work on the
internet posting nasty messages about your boss
c.
You spend 75% of your time at work pretending
that you are working.
If you answered a, you are like Kathleen Sebelius and most
contractors trying to fix Healthcare.gov. If you answered b, you are like most
reality TV characters. If you answered c, you are like 127% of Americans.
Psychological well-being: When you feel stressed…
a.
You smoke 3 packs of cigarettes per day
b.
You send your wife to the gym
c.
You buy a stress reduction book on Amazon
If you answered a, don’t get near me with that awful smell. If
you answered b, you will be able to smoke in peace. If c is your answer, be
careful the book is not delivered by a drone that will confuse you with a
Pakistani terrorist.
Physical well-being: When you feel the urge to exercise…
a.
You sit tight and wait until it passes
b.
You go to the mall and buy new exercise clothes
c.
You buy an exercise video from Amazon
If you answered a, you are like 99% of Americans. If you
chose b, you are like 98% of Americans. If you chose c, the drone will
eventually get you.
Economic well-being: When you max out on your credit card…
a.
You have been buying too many exercise clothes
you will never use
b.
You blame Obamacare
c.
You get a new credit card
If you answered a, you can open your own Lululemon store. If
you answered b, no need to worry because you will eventually get a job at Fox News. If you answered c, you are
like 99% of college graduates.
Now sum up how many of your answers are a, b, and c. If you
answered “a” more than three times, you can become a wellness coach and start
getting suckers to buy your videos. If you answered “b” more than four times,
you have a tendency to blame others for your problems and you very likely have
eczema. If you answered “c” twice or more, you should try to get your
cholesterol level below 400 and eat more kohlrabi, raw, with mice juice. The
alternative is to pay $ 30 for a Tylenol pill, or become a vegan like me.
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