Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Millennial Chutzpah

Coping with assertive family members has been excellent training for dealing with students. The other day, and this is a true story, I received an email from a student at another university telling me that his psych professor had assigned them a paper that I had written for them to critique. The student had the chutzpah of asking me to write a few points critiquing my own bloody paper! I hadn’t heard such chutzpah since the son who killed his parents asked the judge for leniency because he was an orphan. 

Order now: The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Family Democracy

When I was building my family, I was all for promoting self-expression. I was all for women’s liberation and children’s liberation. I wanted my wife and son to feel free to express their views and feelings. BIG MISTAKE! 

As a result of my foolishness, I have spent the last thirty years surrounded by overly assertive family members who challenge my every word, question my judgment, and want me to experiment with colors other than brown. Our son never had a thought that didn’t find its way into his mouth. My wife, in turn, never had a grievance she didn’t express. Oh, the joys of democracy.

 But I have to admit that both have made me a better person: more empathic, more sensitive, more egalitarian, more democratic, more in tune with my feelings. So much so, that I can never speak to male friends anymore. So much so, that every major decision in the house, like the color of my underwear, requires a meeting with minutes and secret ballot. 



Order now: The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier

Monday, May 9, 2016

Personal Responsibility

I came to this country because I thought that personal responsibility was big here. Instead, I found a bunch of low performing, mediocre politicians, professionals and celebrities ready to blame the world but themselves for their shortcomings. No wonder that the totally politically incorrect Amy Chua is gaining traction. The author of Battle Hymn for the Tiger Mother and The Triple Package (with hubby Jed Rubenfeld) claims that success relies on three characteristics: impulse control, feelings of inferiority, and feelings of superiority.

 I think I’m going to join the Amy Chua movement of sadomasochist believers in high expectations. I already fulfil two of her requirements. In fact, I invented impulse control and feelings of inferiority. I’m working now on feelings of superiority, but it’s not going well. Nobody believes me.  


Sunday, May 8, 2016

Modesty and Moderation

Today I want to address the topic of modesty. I think it's important to practice modesty in moderation. 

OMG!!!  The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier is ranked #1 new release in Amazon in the College and University Student Life category, #2 in the Doctors and Medicine Humor Category, and # 9 in the Self-Help and Humor Category. 



Monday, May 2, 2016

Influenza and Affluenza

Instead of taking responsibility for their actions, many people blame diseases for their ethical obtuseness. Instead of expecting decent behavior from their son, the parents of Ethan Couch hired a psychologist who claimed the teenager had a bad case of Affluenza: the result of rich parents who never set proper limits for the kid. Ethan, for whom his parents had no expectations, killed 4 people while drinking and driving and got away with only probation. Ethan and his mother were recently found in Mexico, blaming the severe winter for skipping probation. They were afraid to catch the Influenza virus.  


Preorder now: The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Yakov Smirnoff and me

Having read The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier Yakov Smirnoff, the famous comedian, wrote the following:

"Isaac's book is hilarious. I believe if you can get people to laugh that means you're getting them to listen, and when they listen, they learn. This book accomplishes all three of these things." Yakov Smirnoff.

I want to make it clear that Yakov was not pressured to do this, and that he did not do this under duress. Being from Miami, I know what you're all thinking: I bribed Yakov to write an endorsement of my new book, but let me reassure you that Yakov does not take bribes and I don't give bribes. 

I also know that you're thinking I'm desperate to sell copies of my new book, but let me reassure you that I'm not desperate. I'm inconsolably desperate. 

If Yakov's blurb and my pathetic plea do not cause you to click on the link above and order my book, I don't know what will. But don't complain when copies run out and everybody at the office is talking about my book and you don't know what's going on. 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Low Expectations

The bitter cold aggravating most of the country was of sufficient schadenfreude value that my wife and I decided to watch the Weather Channel. While we were experiencing our two days of winter here in Miami, with temperatures in the low sixties, we reminisced of our days in Canada when we were young and stupid to live in the prairies.

Meanwhile, the host of the Weather Channel invited a veterinarian to comment on the well-being of pets during the stormy weather. Dr. Chow said that all pets are different, and that some of them are more tolerant of cold than others. She told viewers that “St. Bernard dogs cope better than Chihuahuas with cold.” Wow, really! I would have never guessed!
That was the moment when it all came together for me. Dr. Chow epitomized all that is wrong with this country: Low expectations. If you are going to go on national TV, don’t you want to say something a little smarter?

I’ve been on TV to talk about serious stuff only very few times, but every time I went on I studied the topic in great depth. In contrast, my co-panelists invented answers that had zero empirical evidence and absolutely no grounding in research. Like Dr. Chow, they had very low expectations of themselves. Donald Trump, who gets his foreign policy insights from the Weather Channel, is about to name Dr. Chow as his running mate.



Monday, April 18, 2016

Neurotic Life: Part III

After three years in Nashville we were so desperate we were thinking of going back to Winnipeg, Manitoba. If that failed we could always move to Moldova and reclaim the land the Cossacks stole from my family during the Kishinev pogrom. After debating between Manitoba and Moldova we moved to Miami. 

Controlling your behavior is a matter of life and death in Miami. If you want to stay alive here, you have to master your driving behavior. First, you have to control the automatic desire to move ahead when traffic lights turn green. Second, you have to count four cars that will cross in red in front of you. Third, if you don’t want to be rear ended, you have to accelerate when the light turns yellow. Finally, you have to learn a few choice words in Spanish to communicate with the drivers who get stuck at the intersection.

Miami is indeed a wonderful place to learn how to control your behavior. Here, you have to unlearn everything you learned about driving, unless, of course, you come from Latin America, which is where I grew up. Given my Latin background you would have thought that I’d know how to drive here, but all I remember are some choice words I use in intersections. 



Thursday, April 14, 2016

Neurotic Life: Part II

We landed in Melbourne, Australia, just in time to welcome the new millennium. I went from a task- oriented culture to a place where everybody was in long service leave longer than they were at their desks. What a concept! In Canada, I worked with very productive colleagues who only reinforced high work ethic. In Australia, I worked with wonderful colleagues who only reinforced the realization that I was an idiot and that I worked too much.

After three years in Australia trying to control my neurotic tendencies, I relented to my pathologies and moved back to North America, where I could wallow in self-pity for working too hard. Not only did we come back to a workaholic culture, but to Nashville no less, where other than Country music, all there is to do is work. Also, we went from a food mecca to a food desert. The nearest vegetarian restaurant in Nashville was in Ashville. 



Monday, April 11, 2016

Neurotic Life: Part I

If doing something is good, overdoing it must be wonderful. If gaining control is a good thing, gaining complete control must guarantee eternity. This is how we, neurotics, think.

When I was finishing my PhD in psychology I was a full time student. I was also working full time outside the university (I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to do that), raising a baby, and writing a dissertation on a tight schedule. My wife Ora and I would not get much sleep because Matan, our son, really wanted to play in the middle of the night, and we really didn’t know how to say no, which, 29 years later, we still don’t. This was in Winnipeg, Canada. In winter, the average temperature was -54 and in summer it was 108 mosquitos per square feet.  

To make sure I completed my dissertation on time, I followed obsessively a tight schedule. I used to get up at 5 am, go down to the basement and start typing. The heating didn’t work so I wore gloves to type. Until 7 am I wrote nonstop to make sure I achieved my word goal for the day. My obsessive compulsive tendencies were only in incipient form then. Over the years, I went on to obsess not just about writing, but also about eating, exercising, going to the bathroom, taking out life insurance, and buying brown clothes, underwear, watches, shoes, and bags.

If having a goal is good for well-being, I imagined that having multiple goals would be even better. So, I outlined a life plan with multiple goals. First, stay out of jail. Second, avoid frost bites. Third, avoid constipation. Fourth, avoid mosquitoes. Fifth, get the hell out of Winnipeg.

To achieve my fifth goal, and get an academic position, I needed to publish some academic papers. I focused so intently on publishing that one of my friends said I suffered from Surplus Attention Disorder. I got an academic position and off we went to Waterloo, Ontario, which compared to Winnipeg felt like the tropics. It took us eight years to realize that we still lived in Canada, and that we were still freezing our butts, so we moved as far away from Canada as possible.

Preorder now: The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier

Monday, April 4, 2016

Truth, Trust, Trauma, and Trump

I trust people. I tend to believe what they tell me. I’m big on trust. If they tell me they will do something, I believe them. If they share with me information, I take it as face value. In short, I’m an idiot.

               It all started with Anna, her real name (go ahead Anna, sue me), who came to the house to help us with various domestic chores. Within a few days, my wife Ora and I discovered that a few things were missing, and I went crazy. I DO NOT misplace things. I may be totally naïve and somewhat of a moron sometimes, but I’m NOT DISORGANIZED. 

               First, my iPhone charger disappeared.  This is a small thing, so against my best judgment, I resigned myself to the fact that I had probably misplaced it. Then one of my expensive brown Tumi bags disappeared. I DO NOT misplace Tumi bags. Then it was one of Ora’s skirts. This went on for a few weeks until Ora and I dared question Anna’s integrity. When we gently asked Anna if she had seen the missing items, she denied ever seeing them. We had a thief in our midst and we kept employing her for fear of offending her. We had reached a new level of stupidity. It took us months of missing items and lies to realize we had been had.

               When we finally said enough is enough, I warned my friend, who had also employed Anna. Our friend, in turn, warned her daughter, who warned her husband, who was home when Anna worked there. The husband was under strict orders not to leave Anna by herself. When he left her for a minute, Anna stole none other than the dog’s house before leaving the premises.

               For years we had gardeners who neglected our yard. We did not want to fire them because they just had a baby, and we felt for them, and they did show remorse once in a while. These guys had a special talent for driving their lawn mower over our sprinkler system. Not a single visit went by without me warning them not to destroy it, to no avail. Occasionally, they would charge us double. We ignored that. We thought it was an honest mistake. After eight years of secure employment, and after three hundred warnings, pleas, reminders, and requests to be more careful, we fired them. The next thing you know we got a bill that was triple the usual. All of a sudden, after we fire them, they sent us a bill that included dandruff treatment for our grass, pedicure for our trees and manicure for our plants. The sprinkler system had been driven over again.

               Compared to the pool guy, the gardeners were beyond reproach. One day Ora and I returned from the University to find our pool empty. Where did the water go? It was hot, but 77,000 gallons of water do not just evaporate. Being the handy man that I am, I immediately reached for the phone. I called the pool guy and asked if he had visited today. After the affirmative reply I asked if he did something to empty the pool. “Nothing, just the usual” he said.

               Our pool guy, let’s call him Innocencio, was vehement that somebody else must have tampered with the pool. I thought I could trust these guys, but something was fishy. After talking with the owner of the company and pressing the issue, they told me that I must have done something wrong, that it was my fault. Innocencio thought nothing of lying. At that moment I remembered that we had installed security cameras on top of the pool whatchamacallit. I run to the control panel, re-winded the tape, and could clearly see Innocencio moving a lever to “empty pool” -- an oversight. There he was, caught on tape, in the act. Oh, the sweet taste of revenge. After producing the evidence, the company stopped sending Innocencio to the house and paid for the zillion of gallons required to fill the pool again.

               Strangers, OK, we were fools with strangers sometimes; but friends, that’s another story. A childhood friend needed some money, and shelter, and a lot of TLC, a lot. He had just separated from his wife. Ora and I immediately responded to the call, opening our house and our ears and our wallet. The promise of immediate return of the money was sufficient for us to lend a nice sum of money so he can pay the divorce lawyer. The money was eventually returned, but not before my friend completely disappeared from the face of the earth for several years, and not before I expressed my indignation, which I’ve come to cultivate since coming to Miami. Thank you Miami, nowhere else could I have grown out of my innocence so fast. Now I’m fully ready for a Trump presidency. 


Sunday, March 20, 2016

Professional Conduct Guaranteed: Take Two

The National Football League proved once again that ethics is second nature to the profession. After twenty five years of conclusive evidence that concussions cause irreparable brain damage in players, the NFL appointed Richard Incognito to chair a committee on headaches. Incognito, whose fame as a champion of diversity is well known to Miamians, said “we will make sure that no current or former player, or their families, now or in the future, ever complain about concussions without a personal visit by me. ” Incognito made the comment a few moments after he tweeted his support for, major surprise, Donald Trump. Trump reciprocated by promising Incognito the top job at the national spy agency.  

Thank God we still have the Republican party to show what ethics are all about in politics. In Flint, Michigan, where city officials wanted to save money by supplying contaminated water, the GOP is doing what responsible politicians do: blame Canada.  Republicans in Michigan are urging Governor Rick Snyder to join Donald Trump as VP. “We will show the rest of the world what upright men do,” a republican operative said. Meanwhile Mitch McConnell, majority leader in the senate, is about to show the country the ethics of obstructing the nomination of a supreme court judge. “It would be irresponsible to nominate a new judge while efforts are still under way to resuscitate Antonin Scalia” said McConnell. 

The Pharmaceutical Industry leads the way though. To ensure maximum rigor, instead of drafting their own code of ethics, they used the one from the Tobacco Industry, which used Lance Armstrong and Maria Sharapova as consultants. We learn from the best said Martin Shkreli, who raised the price of the anti-parasitic drug Daraprim more than fifty fold in recent months.

To be sure, pharmaceutical representatives adhere to strict principles of equality. They reward all doctors the same for pushing their pills, regardless of nationality, ethnicity, or place of origin. It is inconceivable to them to discriminate on the basis of anything other than ability to increase sales of Obliviontix.

Determined to lead the way, the Food and Drug Administration decided to become the toughest. As of 2016, no more than 11 out of the 12 person panel reviewing new medications will be allowed to serve if they have a conflict of interest. This is seen as a blow to the pharmaceuticals that lobbied hard to keep the number at 12.

The National Security Administration, however, remains the paragon of professional conduct among government offices. When listening to Angela Merkel’s conversations they deleted all reference to her views on Greece, Portugal, Spain, and Muslim men.

The North American League of Mayors imposes strict penalties on violations of professional conduct of the smallest kind. This is why the former Mayor of San Diego, Bob Filner, complained that he was willing to seek George Zimmerman’s counsel but was fined $ 1,500 nevertheless. After sexually harassing the entire female population of City Hall, justice was served, and the poor Filner had to be on probation for 90 days and keep his hands to himself. The North American League of Overly Sexually Active Mayors interceded on his behalf, claiming that a day’s suspension would have been harsh enough. “We are all for equal treatment under the law” a spokesman for the organization said. They said that Filner never sent pictures of his male organs via twitter like Anthony Wiener, a mayoral candidate in New York City, and therefore a more lenient punishment would have sufficed. In a show of force the League of Mayors demanded that any future pornographic pictures sent by Wiener be done anonymously.

Granted, some groups, such as bankers, mortgage lenders, and Chris Christie’s associates are morally challenged, but not to worry. Many repentant souls have seen the light and are ready to help. For sexual perversions call the Law Offices of Spitzer Wiener Filner Berlusconi Strauss-Khan Woods. For pathological lying call Armstrong Incognito Trump Zimmerman Sharapova and Associates. Professional conduct guaranteed. 

Isaac Prilleltensky is author of the forthcoming The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier He can be reached at isaac@miami.edu

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Empathy and Chutzpah


When I was building my family, I was all for promoting self-expression. I was all for women’s liberation and children’s liberation. I wanted my wife and son to feel free to express their views and feelings. BIG MISTAKE! 

As a result of my foolishness, I have spent the last thirty years surrounded by overly assertive family members who challenge my every word, question my judgment, and want me to experiment with colors other than brown. Our son never had a thought that didn’t find its way into his mouth. My wife, in turn, never had a grievance she didn’t express. Oh, the joys of democracy. But I have to admit that both have made me a better person: more empathic, more sensitive, more egalitarian, more democratic, more in tune with my feelings. So much so, that I can never speak to male friends anymore. So much so, that every major decision in the house, like the color of my underwear, requires a meeting with minutes and secret ballot.

Coping with assertive family members has been excellent training for dealing with students. The other day, and this is a true story, I received an email from a student at another university telling me that his psych professor had assigned them a paper that I had written for them to critique. The student had the chutzpah of asking me to write a few points critiquing my own bloody paper! I hadn’t heard such chutzpah since the son who killed his parents asked the judge for leniency because he was an orphan.

Mastering interactions is basically about two things: expressing your ideas respectfully, and listening attentively. During my career I have been in too many meetings where people had no idea about either of them. In one corner, you usually have the rantologist who, no matter what the topic is, will always rant about his pet peeve. In the other corner, you have the sorryologist, who cannot stop apologizing for his existence. Instead of talking about substance, he spends most of the time apologizing for expressing an opinion. Then you have the repeatologist, who must repeat everything four times to feel satisfied. And then there is me, going crazy.

There is family, there are colleagues, and then, of course, there are Miami drivers. Mastering interactions with each of them is no small feat. Going to faculty meetings is good training for driving in Miami. Whereas my wife and my son have made me more sensitive, empathic, democratic, egalitarian, and in tune with my feelings; faculty meetings have made me more like, you know, Miami drivers.


Monday, January 18, 2016

The New Meaning of Sexy

In our cultural context, sexy has a very narrow definition, which means that 6.916 billion people, and most importantly me, have no chance to appear on the cover of People. However, for those of us who don’t fit the narrow definition of sexy, I have good news. Sexy doesn’t have to refer just to the carnal domain. Sexy can be a metaphor for appealing, exciting, desirable, attractive, educated, wise, fair, interesting and stimulating. I’m aware that this theory may well be perceived as an apologia for my big ears, but I trust the reader will see beyond them. I’m also aware that my argument may grow out of my charming personality, but I hope you will not get distracted by it.

In our culture, we all want to be physically attractive. Women spend billions of dollars on cosmetics, plastic surgery, clothes and colonic cleansing just to be beautiful and sexy, on the outside and the inside. They spend inordinate amounts of money on nail salons staffed by girls from a particular country I cannot name due to fear of stereotyping, discrimination, and my wife’s looks when she reads this. Men go to gyms and buy supplements to build muscle. They color their hair to look their best. Some now even shave their chests. Many go to tan salons to look gorgeous while they fry their brains and acquire new kinds of skin cancer. We spend countless hours in front of the mirror, just to look right. I get that. We want to be striking. We want to feel good about ourselves and we want to impress others. It is just human nature to conquer the object of our sexual desire, as it is to run through red lights in Miami.  

But this conception of sexy is way too narrow. Instead of this constricted definition, I embrace a comprehensive meaning that implies likeable, striking, clever, titillating, well-educated, and cultured. When you think about sexy in these terms, there are countless possibilities to increase our beauty quotient: You can buy a fake Ph.D., read the New York Times book reviews and pretend that you have read the entire book, and use foreign words nobody understands, including you. Unfortunately, we often focus strictly on erotic sexiness, at the expense of psychological or interpersonal charm. My aim is to cultivate a wider array of attractive features that (a) go beyond physical allure, and (b) distract people from looking at my ears.

I may not have perfect facial features, to say nothing of my girly voice and graying hair, but I can perfect other aspects of body and soul, such as the ability to come up with innumerable excuses for my horrible physiognomy.

The obsession with sex is not surprising though. It is the perfect storm. Businesses market seductive products. We crave attention. We think that looking sexy will make us stand out. Standing out among a crowd feeds our hunger for attention. We are rewarded with praise. We think of sex as a shortcut to mattering, but authentic mattering is so much more than erotic encounters. Mattering is also about being appreciated for virtuous, kind, and ethical behavior, and being loved by your wife despite a barely noticeable gluteus maximus.   

Unless we cultivate other qualities, popular culture will continue to foment the cult of sex and narcissism. Unless we nourish our spiritual and relational beings, we will remain fixated on erotic attraction, self-absorption, and selfies. But until we reach such evolved cultural stage, there are a number of things we can do:
1.       Trigger alert I: Every time people are going to talk about someone attractive and remind me of my imperfections, I want them to let me know in advance so that I can decide whether to participate in the conversation or not.
2.       Trigger alert II: Every time people are going to talk about someone unattractive and remind me of my imperfections, I want them to let me know in advance so that I can crawl under a table in fetal position.
3.       Safe area I: Whenever other people are talking about someone attractive I want to go to a safe zone and play with stuffed animals.
4.       Safe area II: Whenever other people are talking about someone unattractive, I can hug Dumbo. 
5.       Safe area III: I can go to a waxing salon and remove these annoying pieces of hair sticking out of my right ear.