Working at a university, I have great access to unique
resources. Using the latest software from our Center for Computational Time
Wasting, I came to the conclusion that the average human being spends on
average 7 million hours gossiping. This amounts to 8 hours a day. The average
goes up considerably when the Miami Herald publishes speculations about
Castro’s death, but using a smoothing function that controls for rumors about
the premature death of Latin American dictators, we are pretty sure that 8
hours per day is about right.
Given that most people sleep for about 8 hours, watch TV for
about 6 hours, and struggle with constipation in the toilet for about 2 hours,
it is abundantly clear that ALL of their gossip is done at work, which explains
why our economy is in such abysmal state and why GM had to recall 2.6 million
cars.
Gossiping is such an epidemic that I decided to do some
research on it. I, of course, never gossip, so I lacked any personal experience
with the phenomenon. As a result, I had to rely on validated tools to collect
data: random eavesdropping. I chose a representative sample of visitors to the
broadwalk in Hollywood Beach, Florida (don’t even try to call it a boardwalk). The
two and a half mile stretch by the ocean invites populations from all over the
world to congregate for daily gossip conventions. I can detect what passersby
are saying only in a few languages, but using the latest google glasses I
surreptitiously record and translate what I do not get, which is usually in
Russian and involves the words Absolut, Smirnoff, and vomit.
The following is a list of the ten most frequent gossip
statements emitted by broadwalk visitors:
1.
Pepe (not his real name, his real name is José)
never pays child support
2.
Sofia’s plastic surgery came out awful (her real
name, used with permission)
3.
Castro, Castro, Castro, Castro (real name, used
without permission)
4.
Dovid is a putz
5.
Faigel (real name) is such an Alte Makhsheyfe
(old witch, in Yiddish) (reproduced with permission from Faigel’s daughter in law)
6.
They don’t know how to make beer here (Quebecois
visitor)
7.
They don’t know how to make vodka here (Russian
couple)
8.
Victoria/Gabriela/Yolanda/Amanda cheats on him
9.
Dovid is going out with
Victoria / Gabriela/ Yolanda / Amanda, and none of them are Jewish
10.
Faigel has no idea that Dovid (the putz), paid
for Sofia’s plastic surgery, before going out with
Victoria / Gabriela / Yolanda / Amanda, who now want him to pay for their plastic
surgery too
Gossip serves many evolutionary functions such as
self-protection. Talking garbage about someone else fills the air and prevents
people from contemplating their own foibles. This is a well-known psychological
defense mechanism characteristic of 3 year olds, Kim Kardashian, Silvio
Berlusconi, Vladimir Putin, Dovid the putz, and mayoral candidates in Hialeah.
Gossip is essential for procreation too. If people ever stopped gossiping and
realized who they were procreating with, it would be the end of the human
species, causing the demise of the diaper industry.
Gossip comes in several forms and levels of sophistication,
from the pedestrian (Dovid is a putz) to the refined (Something has been on my
mind lately. I wonder if you happen to know the whereabouts of the famous
banker, Faigel’s former husband, Dovid the putz?).
My observations also revealed that Gossipers come in
different personality types:
· The diarrheic gossiper: Cannot contain herself.
Gossip is a force of nature that needs to come out no matter what. Gossips
without regard for personal credibility. Procreates a lot
· The constipated gossiper: Really wants to gossip
but cannot come out. Early trauma involved. Victorian upbringing. Sexually
repressed. Has problems procreating
· The closeted gossiper: “I’m going to tell you
something that you cannot repeat to anybody.” Gossip usually involves
self-aggrandizement and false humility
· The obsessed gossiper: Focuses on a single
subject: Kardashians (half of the US population), Obamacare (John Boehner),
missing flights (CNN), catastrophes (Anderson Cooper), Castro (El Nuevo Herald)
· The benign gossiper: Harmless. Gossips mostly
about people you don’t know.
· The toxic gossiper: You know who you are.
