Financial Colonoscopy

A big part of the American dream is to own a big mortgage, and a little piece of a home. If owning one home in America is a good thing, owning two must be awesome. So my wife and I bought our first, and then our second home in Miami. We have a lovely house in Coral Gables, next to the University of Miami where I work, and a condo in Hollywood Beach. The two poor immigrants were now part of the American dream.

Then we started thinking that our perfectly fine 1200 square feet condo in Hollywood was not good enough for us. So we, the embodiment of rationality, thriftiness, prudence, and frugality, acquired on an impulse a third home, and a third mortgage. Ora and I saw a unit for sale in the same building of our condo, and we fell in love with it. All of a sudden the view from our condo, which had mesmerized us for the last two years, was not spectacular enough. All of a sudden the place was not big enough to accommodate our son and his wife.

Our congenial mortgage broker, who had helped us with previous loans, told us that we would have no problem getting a third mortgage. “For you, no problem” she said. Reassured, we proceeded to put an offer at full price, and then some, to make sure that we got this particular unit. In a moment’s notice, rationality went out the window. But what a window that was! With unobstructed views of the Atlantic Ocean and the intra-costal, we fell in love with the place the way suckers fall prey to whatever the Property Bothers sell them on TV.

The process began simply enough, requesting salary statements, W2 forms, printouts of bank accounts; the usual stuff of mortgage applications. Then the mortgage company had to look into the financials of the condo association and our credit score going back to the destruction of the second temple. After an interminable series of emails, phone calls, faxes, texts, scans, pdf files and more emails, phone calls, texts, and scans, we were told that the building did not pass certain Fannie Mae Freddie Mac mortgage certificate of estoppel reserves escrow HUD deed warranty of good behavior, and that the mortgage company would be able to give us only 70% of the value of the house. That was the first time we heard about such possibility. I started getting a little more worried.

Every time I looked at the computer there was another email from the mortgage company requesting twenty more documents going back years about every financial transaction that I had ever done or considered doing. At that point, I thought that the inquisition would have been a breeze.

Because Ora and I were so rational, controlled, measured, and prudent, we made our offer unconditional to make sure that we got THIS unit and that NOBODY ELSE did. So, we could not get out of the deal on account of not getting a mortgage. Well, perhaps the inspection could save us, but it happened so early in the process that the mortgage company had not yet initiated its inquisition. So, in summary, we were stuck and we were being screwed by a mortgage company that kept blaming Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae and JP Morgan and Countrywide and the Democratic Party for putting in place so many requirements for a second home mortgage. And every day the mortgage broker would contact us to let us know that there is a NEW law that they did not know about that pretty much required that they conduct a financial colonoscopy of our entire family.

All I could think about at this stage was Kafka. We were in the midst of a Kafkaesque play, and there was no way out. I dreaded going to the computer to read the new requirements and the emails going back and forth between the various mortgage company employees, our lawyer, and us about estoppels, escrows, underwriting, insurance, inspections, appraisals, taxes, condo fees, reconciliation fees, flood insurance, HUD warranty deeds, reserves, transfers of money, new printouts of bank accounts, and new salary stubs. Whatever I had submitted last month was no longer valid, so it was a Sisyphean financial bolder all over again.

Ora kept reinforcing me and praising my patience and organizational skills for being able to produce the Amazonian quantity of paperwork required. As I tried to cope with the tsunami of requests I asked myself, “and why do we need this headache?” At that moment I realized that we had just become full-fledged Americans.

Denmark to Face Sanctions

Carnivores, who make up 98% of the world population, suddenly realized they eat animals. It was not until February 2014 when the Copenhagen Zoo killed a giraffe and fed it to the lions that carnivores made the connection between killing animals and their steak dinner. “Come to think of it, I never made the connection” said Jeff O’Brian from Tuscaloosa. “I want to thank CNN for bringing this to my attention. I’m done eating animals, from now on I’m only eating chicken” he said.

In barbecue picnics around the world demonstrators protested the killing of Marius the giraffe. “Pass me the bacon,” said Theresa Kluless, as she held a placard denouncing the Danish government in Nashville.

In China, students were discussing the horrible tragedy as they were sipping shark fin soup in ivory bowls in Beijing. In Japan, mothers in a park were aghast. “It is unacceptable to kill a cute giraffe and feed it to the lions,” said one in Tokyo as she offered her child a dolphin sushi.

Meanwhile, the Beef Association of America published a full page ad in papers across the country denouncing the killing of Marius. “Giraffes are cute animals. They deserve protection from humans.” Similar condemnation came from the Chicken Growers Association: “In America we treat animals humanly. We would never dream of showing them on TV before we kill them. It is very stressful to the animals.” 

Of the 6.86 billion meat eaters around the world, 3 promised to become vegetarians in solidarity with Marius. For veggie people, this is very encouraging news. At this rate, it would take only 2.078999 billion years and 3.44521 billion slaughtered giraffes for the entire world to become vegetarian. For others, this whole vegetarian thing is moving way too fast. Cattle growers are afraid that some other zoo in Denmark will by mistake kill a cow on TV and lead 3 more people to lead a vegetarian lifestyle. Diplomatic efforts are under way to remove all cows from Denmark and hide them in an undisclosed location. Our sources tell us that it will be either Guantanamo or the new Trump Golf Course in Doral. “Both places have plenty of grass,” said our contact in condition of anonymity.  

In a top secret operation, code named “vaca loca,” NAVY SEALS will airlift Denmark’s 475,000 cows in 6 Apache helicopters and drop them at the undisclosed location. “We are a little worried about the Holstein. We know that the Red Dane and the Jersey are pretty docile though.” The whole operation is expected to last 18 minutes. “Based on our experience with Bin Laden, it should be smooth. We don’t expect any enemy fire from the Danes. To tell you the truth, I don’t even know if they have an army” said a Pentagon official. To make sure that all goes well, the operation will take place while the Danish televise the killing of the next giraffe. “Everybody will be glued to their TV sets at that time,” predicted our source. 

As rumors spread about “vaca loca,” the Fur Trade Association is already upset that the navy is using the politically incorrect name SEALS as operatives. “With all this animal love fest going on, the name seals will invoke seal slaughter, and before you know it, we will have a bunch of seal lovers protesting all over the place about fur coats.”

Given the pernicious global repercussions of Danish barbarism, the UN is considering sanctions against Denmark. The Security Council is considering a number of actions to bring Denmark in line with the ethical standards of the international community:

1.      Banning herring for 12 months.

2.      Disallowing the use of bicycles to go to work.

3.      Removing the philosophical essays of Soren Kierkegaard from libraries around the world.

4.      Replacing Tuborg with Miller Lite at restaurants around the Copenhagen zoo.

5.      Stripping Hans Christian Andersen of his Danish citizenship.

6.      Turning soccer fields into rehabilitation grounds for wounded giraffes.

7.      Military invasion.

Efforts are also under way to block incendiary websites such as the animal kill counter. The website claims that in the time it takes you to read this piece approximately 350,000 marine animals, 185,000 chickens, 10,000 ducks, 5,600 pigs, 4,000 rabbits, 3,500 turkeys, 2,800 geese, 1,750 geese, 2,800 sheep, 2,000 goats, 1,650 cows and calves, 105 dogs, 27 horses, 20 donkeys and mules and 14 camels would be slaughtered by the meat, egg, and dairy industry. May Marius and all these animals rest in peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clichés

I hate clichés. They are a lazy person’s way to have, and end, a conversation. There are so many problems with clichés. Take for example some popular ones on health and wellness:

·         A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety (Aesop – Fables): Is the crust whole wheat? Is it gluten-free? Was the banquet vegan, lacto-ovo, kosher, halal, low-purine, high-fiber, or just your mainstream artery-clogging, cholesterol-enhancing, BMI-busting, cardiac-arresting fare? Details please.

·         Early to bed, early to rise, makes a person healthy, wealthy, and wise: This quote does not tell you anything useful, such as when exactly to go to bed, what time zone we are talking about, how do you define wealthy and how to account for inflation since Ben Franklin coined the phrase. We scientists need more specifics than generalities.

·         I believe God allows us to make U-turns in life (Mormon website): Does that rule apply across all states? I don’t think God visited Miami lately. If I tried to make some U-turns in Miami I’d get killed.

·         The man who doesn’t relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse a little later on (Elbert Hubbard). I know Mr. Hubbard was a great American philosopher, writer, artist and all that, but frankly, I don’t give a hoot.

And then there are people who are not satisfied with existing clichés but invent their own. A relative’s friend recently passed away. The deceased weighed 418 lbs, smoked like a chimney, never exercised in his life, invented Type A personality, ate like there was no tomorrow, and one night, surprise surprise, dropped dead at a young age. Talking to my relative about the untimely dead of his friend he said: “it’s all luck in life.”

When I make the stupid mistake of talking to people about health and the importance of proper nutrition, physical activity, and sleep, they often tell me “we all die in the end.” Alternatively, they tell me that “you have to enjoy life” or “it won’t kill you to go wild once in a while.” The latter is usually accompanied by some story about a distant relative who ate seven eggs for breakfast, butter-roasted pig with a two gallon regular coke for lunch, and French fries with melted provolone and a bucket of whole milk ice cream for dinner, and lived to be 102. At this point in my writing many readers begin to feel defensive, so let me drop the subject right now because “better a carnivore reader in hand than a thousand in a vegan market.”

MSNBC and Obamacare to blame for Atlanta storm

Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal offered a long list of excuses for his failed response to warnings of a major approaching storm. First he blamed the National Weather Service. Then he blamed his wife for not waking him up when the storm was upgraded from catastrophic to horrendous. He finally settled on Obamacare. “Obamacare is having a much more negative impact on our country than we anticipated,” he said.

Meanwhile, Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed, who was being honored as Georgian of the Year when snow started falling, kept blaming MSNBC for showing pictures of the highways, and not of Atlanta proper, which, he claimed, was up and running again after only 30 hours and tens of thousands of motorists freezing their butts for 12 hours in their cars! “If they hadn’t shown misleading pictures of people stranded in highways, instead of the city, none of this would have happened” claimed the new Georgian of the Year.

 

GOP: Socialized medicine in Canada leads to moral degeneracy

The GOP organized a press conference yesterday to argue that socialized medicine leads to moral degeneracy. “The recent arrest of Canadian singer Justin Beiber and the erratic behavior of Toronto’s Mayor Rob Ford are irrefutable proof that Obamacare will lead to the erosion of the moral fiber of this country,” claimed Trey Radel, a freshman Republican congressman from Florida, who is currently on probation for possession of cocaine. Surrounded by Lindsay Lohan and former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, they vowed to create a bipartisan initiative to block any type of Canadian socialized medicine in this country. "Our politicians and celebrities are beyond reproach in this nation" said Lohan.  

Governor Christie: I suffer from Metabullyc Syndrome

In the State of the State speech in New Jersey, Governor Christie disclosed very personal and sensitive information that explains the whole George Washington bridge scandal. At long last, we have an honest account of the traffic jam.  

“I suffer from Metabullyc Syndrome” revealed the Governor. This is a rare disease related to the well-known Metabolic Syndrome, which is the cause of obesity in many people. “This is a mutation of the Metabolic Syndrome. In addition to causing obesity, it also leads to uncontrolled episodes of bullying,” said Dr. Apollo Gia from the Institute of Republican Diseases and Pretexts. “Metabullyc disease can cause uncontrolled vengeful behavior. There is nothing the patient can do about it without proper treatment. This is not a criminal case, this is a medical case” observed Dr. Gia.

The good news, Christie said, is that it can be treated. “I’m already taking a heavy dosage of Bullytrophia. Doctors said that I should be in great shape by 2016.”

Male Emotional Brain Found in Garage

I envy my wife. When we go for walks with other couples she usually goes next to the woman, and I usually get stuck with the man. While they get to talk about how they are feeling and how life is going, I get to hear exhilarating updates on garage renovations. From garage talk they move to the latest Harley- Davidson model, followed by an analysis of why the Marlins are still an awful team. If I get a lucky break my male companion will ask me how I am doing, but I quickly learned that they have no interest whatsoever in the answer.

Male Friend: How are you doing?

Isaac: Well, as of late…

Male Friend (interrupting me of course): Great! Have you been to Home Depot lately? Toilet paper is on sale.

I have an adorable and wonderful friend that all he can talk about is the state of his roof and the brake pads on his car. We used to go for walks together and he’d pick up old newspapers from the floor in case there were coupons for Home Depot.

The one emotion that men often express is anger. They are so detached from their feelings that, when something doesn’t go their way, frustration turns quickly into aggression. Their inability to process the mildest threat leads them to a complete meltdown. I know a specimen that when the world doesn’t behave according to his whim he goes into a predictable pattern: (a) regression to prenatal stage, (b) nonsensical verbiage, (c) self-pity, (d) pouting, (e) abusive language, (f) threat of retaliation, (g) rant about lack of justice in the world.

Next to anger, control and domination are pretty common expressions of the male species, not to mention sexual supremacy.  We are not talking here about subtle control and flirtation, but Rambo style brutality. These might have been useful in the African Savanna; but somebody forgot to tell them that most of us are no longer running away from packs of Tyrannosaurs.

Despite the fact that most of us are no longer running away from Tyrannosaurs, most of us still worry about a lot of stuff. In my dreams, I have some recurring fears:

1.       I am late for my flight

2.       I find myself naked in a busy intersection

3.       I am not prepared to teach my class (this one comes in several varieties: somebody assigned me to teach nuclear physics, Chinese, or organic chemistry)

4.       I lost my wallet

5.       I lost my bag

6.       I ate meat

7.       I am late paying my life insurance

To cope with my fears, I obsessively plan (all my life insurance policies are on automatic debit). It usually works, but I still have some primal fears of public shame, as in numbers 2 and 3 above. I thought of getting degrees in nuclear physics, Chinese and organic chemistry, but I rather write silly stories. To prevent the humiliation of number 2 I always leave home with my clothes on. Not only that, but I also take a change of clothes.

Number 7 above presents a unique challenge. I worry a lot about my family. This one is not hard to decipher. I lost my parents when I was 8 years old (no joke). Both died in a car accident. It doesn’t take a psychoanalyst to figure out I worry about death, my own, and others. Ora, my wife, uses a wheelchair and she has a hard time getting up from bed, which is when I come in. The other night I woke up thinking that if I die in the middle of the night of a heart attack she might not be able to get up the next day, and she would die from starvation; our son would become an orphan, and it is all MY FAULT, and I’m not even alive to feel guilty. Which is why I have never seen a life insurance policy I did not like.