Big, it must be big, very big, and
red, and round, like the “easy” button from Staples, and I want it on my
desktop, flashing, with a big inscription, in neon letters: UNSUBSCRIBE. With
all the latest technology and what not, I’m surprised that nobody has invented
yet the UNSUBSCRIBE app. I want to be able to click on that icon and
unsubscribe in one fell swoop from all the intrusive and irritating email lists
that are making my life miserable. Until such invention comes along -- and I do
want a commission for giving you all hackers the idea – I must go over thousands
of emails manually to find the annoyingly small print where it says
“unsubscribe,” which is usually buried deep in the body of the email, among a
pile of legal junk.
Not only is it difficult to find
the stupid link, but once you click on it, you land on a page asking you three
times to reconsider. This is especially true of political causes, where the
politician in question, all the way from the President to the obscurest democratic
candidate for school board in North Dakota, begs you to stay. For some reason,
I never get emails from the Republican Party asking me for money, or from the
National Rifle Association. They respect my privacy. I value that. The
Democratic Party, in contrast, is way too promiscuous with emails. That’s it.
I’m switching parties.
I fantasize about having this big
red icon on my desktop and being able to press it and all of sudden reduce the
number of daily emails from unwanted sources from about 16,000 to 2. In fact, I
will pay a handsome reward for the computer programmer able to devise the
object of my fantasy. It must be big, and red, and require just one click. No
questions asked, no options to reconsider, no text boxes explaining why you are
leaving. Zero, zilch, good bye. That will constitute my liberation.
Until such time, I have to contend
with emails from the likes of Cyagen Biosciences, which can’t distinguish between
a Doctor in Psychology and one in Ratology. Word for word, here’s their latest
email dated July 2nd, 2014, 10:49am:
Dear
researcher,
Outsource
your transgenic or knockout mouse projects to Cyagen this summer and pile on
the savings! Invite your friends or colleagues to take advantage of our group
buy on transgenic, knockout & knockin mice - get up to 20% off of multiple
mouse lines when you or anyone in your group places an order:
• 10% off 1 mouse line
• 15% off 2 mouse lines
• 20% off 3 or more mouse
lines
Cyagen’s
animal model generation service gets you the knockout, knockin, or transgenic
mice you need guaranteed, at the industry’s lowest price.
Hyperlink:
>>>Learn about our animal model expertise
Hyperlink:
>>>View our transgenics & gene targeting mouse offerings
Were
you referred by one of our existing customers? Let us know through our Mouse
Service Referral Program and enjoy an additional $500 discount or 5% off
(whichever is greater)!
Cyagen’s
mouse service team provides technical support throughout your project and was
rated “very technically capable” by 9 out of 10 recent clients. Use our service
to boost the impact of your basic research: Cyagen animal models have been
published in top journals such as Nature and Cell. It’s easy to get started:
just reply to this email or tell us about your research goals in the comments
field of the groupbuy webform. You may also call us at 800-921-8930. Our mouse
experts will be happy to discuss your research goals.
*All
customer inquiries are strictly confidential.
Best
regards,
Cyagen
Client Relations Team
2255 Martin Avenue, Suite E
Santa Clara, CA 95050
Tel.:
800-921-8930
Transgenic? Knockin? Knockout? That
sounds like a boxing match between sexually diverse genes.
I do have a PhD, and some
psychologists do experiment with mice, but the only time I see rats is in
nightmares, which have only increased since the Cyagen offers.
Apparently somebody really wants me
to switch careers. The following email, received from Dr. Sam Wang, on the same
day, reads as follows:
|
Dear Dr. Isaac
Prilleltensky,
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|
Have you ever spent
much time and energy to generate an antibody, which unfortunately fails to
perform in your experiments? We understand your struggles very well, and
would like to offer you a working alternative.
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|
We believe for most
proteins, there are a certain number of regions could be used as promising
antigens to produce high-quality antibodies. To maximize the chance of
success, we usually apply a number of antigens (up to 20 protein fragments
and/or peptides) instead of just one or two; the diverse antigens could map
all the best possible regions of the target protein.
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
Ordering is simple,
just email me the target protein (accession number or sequence).We will
provide a detailed evaluation and quote in two business days. If you have any
question, please feel free to contact me.
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
Hundreds of
scientists have published papers which cite the use of our custom monoclonal
antibodies. Below are a few
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|
You know what you can do with your monoclonal
antibodies Dr. Wang? You can shove them up your epitopes, past your coiled-coil
myosin, all the way to your autophagy. And if that doesn’t work, use the
Enhancer Binding Protein Alpha and the related key regulator to push it
upstream to the open reading frame. I can only hope that the Retinaldehyde of
your eyes will look like zebrafish. If you get dehydrogenase in the process,
make sure the human hairless gene does not fall off your head. For further
instructions refer to table above, which you sent me.
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