As we were leaving, I held the door open for the couple
coming into the restaurant. I could tell they were pretentious because of their
clothing, perfume, watches, shoes, glasses, hairdo, height, accent, and eyelashes.
Neither said thank you though, which wouldn’t have surprised me had they been from
Miami, but they looked from the North East. Don’t ask me how, but I just knew
it. They had an arrogant flair that comes only from certain parts of New
England. Their rudeness was distinct from Miami rude, which is less haughty and
more egotistical. Whereas Northerners actively ignore you, Miamians actively attend
only to themselves. Whereas the former signal “you are beneath me,” the latter
signal “you are beneath my augmented breasts. I can’t see you. Get out of
there!”
According to evolutionary theory people are nice to you only
if they think they will ever need you, which explains why a lot of people in
Miami are only nice to plastic surgeons and judges. If you fall in neither
category you can forget about civility, which is why I’m considering going to
law and medical school, which would be easier than instilling manners in
Miami-Dade County.
I would have thought that going into Thanksgiving folks
would be a little more courteous, a little more generous, but everybody is
going crazy. People are more dangerous than ever, especially, but not only, to
turkeys. Take George Zimmerman, the poor soul is experiencing attacks from
everyone: the media, prosecutors, former girlfriends; even the NRA is after him
for giving the organization a bad name. Nobody says thank you George for
leaving no more weapons in the stores. No wonder he is reacting aggressively.
Or take Richie Incognito from the Miami Dolphins. Nobody thanks him for
self-disclosing a very bad case of arrested moral development. Instead of thanking
George and Richard for giving newspapers what to write about, all they get is
bad press.
Not to be outdone, the Republicans refuse to say thank you
to President Obama for handing them the easiest exit strategy from their
government shutdown debacle. Instead of thanking him for the botched launch of
HealthCare.gov, they accuse him for failing to start something they desperately
want to stop.
Intrigued by the whole thank you thing I did some research
into civility. In a highly publicized study, Dacher Keltner and his research
team at UC Berkeley reported that rich people are less polite and more
inconsiderate than people from low socioeconomic status. While you might be
tempted to believe the findings because they come from BERKELEY, to me the
whole thing sounds like a communist plot. This is yet another attempt to
disparage the wealthy. After all, this study was done at BERKELEY, which, need
I remind you, is a hotbed of radicalism. To be convinced I would want to have
the study replicated by the Heritage Foundation.
To probe further, I did some research into the history of
thank you. The first person to ever say thank you was Adam. He had to go to the
toilet and asked Eve for the only leaves that up to that point were covering
her private parts. He said “thank you” and she said “I hope the paparazzi are
not around.”
The Jewish people had a conflictive relationship with “thank
you.” They were all very appreciative when Moses took them out of Egypt, but
complained profusely when they realized that he had taken them on a forty year
journey through the desert on a diet of water and unleavened bread.
The Romans, in turn, forced all their victims not only to
surrender, but also to send Thank You cards to the Emperor for enslaving them.
This Italian tradition continues to this day. The mafia requests Hallmark Love
You cards from businesses under their protection plan.
I also looked into famous thank you lines to see what I can
learn from wiser people and found the following from Benjamin Disraeli: I feel a very unusual sensation – if it is
not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude. Can you imagine being led by
such grouch? No wonder the British Empire has been in decline ever since the
twice Prime Minister was in office in the 1800s.
The most important piece of research I found though was that
practicing gratitude is good for you. So here it goes: I’m thankful for living
in Miami, I’m thankful for having health insurance through my employer – which
I can keep -- and I’m thankful for the Nobel Prize committee for considering me.
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