In our cultural context, sexy has a
very narrow definition, which means that 6.916 billion people, and most
importantly me, have no chance to appear on the cover of People. However, for those of us who don’t fit the narrow
definition of sexy, I have good news. Sexy doesn’t have to refer just to the
carnal domain. Sexy can be a metaphor for appealing, exciting, desirable,
attractive, educated, wise, fair, interesting and stimulating. I’m aware that
this theory may well be perceived as an apologia for my big ears, but I trust
the reader will see beyond them. I’m also aware that my argument may grow out
of my charming personality, but I hope you will not get distracted by it.
In our culture, we all want to be physically
attractive. Women spend billions of dollars on cosmetics, plastic surgery, clothes
and colonic cleansing just to be beautiful and sexy, on the outside and the
inside. They spend inordinate amounts of money on nail salons staffed by girls
from a particular country I cannot name due to fear of stereotyping,
discrimination, and my wife’s looks when she reads this. Men go to gyms and buy
supplements to build muscle. They color their hair to look their best. Some now
even shave their chests. Many go to tan salons to look gorgeous while they fry
their brains and acquire new kinds of skin cancer. We spend countless hours in
front of the mirror, just to look right. I get that. We want to be striking. We
want to feel good about ourselves and we want to impress others. It is just human
nature to conquer the object of our sexual desire, as it is to run through red
lights in Miami.
But this conception of sexy is way
too narrow. Instead of this constricted definition, I embrace a comprehensive
meaning that implies likeable, striking, clever, titillating, well-educated, and
cultured. When you think about sexy in these terms, there are countless
possibilities to increase our beauty quotient: You can buy a fake Ph.D., read the
New York Times book reviews and pretend that you have read the entire book, and
use foreign words nobody understands, including you. Unfortunately, we often
focus strictly on erotic sexiness, at the expense of psychological or
interpersonal charm. My aim is to cultivate a wider array of attractive
features that (a) go beyond physical allure, and (b) distract people from
looking at my ears.
I may not have perfect facial
features, to say nothing of my girly voice and graying hair, but I can perfect
other aspects of body and soul, such as the ability to come up with innumerable
excuses for my horrible physiognomy.
The obsession with sex is not
surprising though. It is the perfect storm. Businesses market seductive
products. We crave attention. We think that looking sexy will make us stand
out. Standing out among a crowd feeds our hunger for attention. We are rewarded
with praise. We think of sex as a shortcut to mattering, but authentic
mattering is so much more than erotic encounters. Mattering is also about being
appreciated for virtuous, kind, and ethical behavior, and being loved by your
wife despite a barely noticeable gluteus maximus.
Unless we cultivate other
qualities, popular culture will continue to foment the cult of sex and narcissism.
Unless we nourish our spiritual and relational beings, we will remain fixated
on erotic attraction, self-absorption, and selfies. But until we reach such evolved
cultural stage, there are a number of things we can do:
1.
Trigger alert I: Every time people are
going to talk about someone attractive and remind me of my imperfections, I
want them to let me know in advance so that I can decide whether to participate
in the conversation or not.
2.
Trigger alert II: Every time people are
going to talk about someone unattractive
and remind me of my imperfections, I want them to let me know in advance so
that I can crawl under a table in fetal position.
3.
Safe area I: Whenever other people are
talking about someone attractive I want to go to a safe zone and play with
stuffed animals.
4.
Safe area II: Whenever other people are
talking about someone unattractive, I
can hug Dumbo.
5.
Safe area III: I can go to a waxing salon
and remove these annoying pieces of hair sticking out of my right ear.
