Wall to Wall Solutions

Republican presidential candidates deserve more credit than they are getting. While the democrats are busy trying to figure out if Biden will run, or Bernie will bust, the GOP candidates are displaying incredible ingenuity. 

Building on each other’s ideas, the likes of Trump, Walker, and Rubio are working on a miracle wall. The Donald was the first to propose building a wall along the Mexico border to solve the illegal immigration problem. Trump said that construction of the wall would provide employment for all the illegal immigrants that would sneak in through Canada.

With a stroke of brilliance, Governor Scott Walker proposed building a wall along the Canadian border as well. This would have multiple benefits: prevent illegal immigrants, other than the ones required to build the wall of course, and stop the creep of socialized medicine into this country. As everybody knows, universal health care has destroyed the moral fiber of Canadians, who have gotten used to governmental coddling. “Instead of stimulating the economy by buying guns, Canadians waste their money on taxes,” said Walker.    

Not to be outdone, Marco Rubio proposed building a wall with Cuba, another major socialist influence on this hemisphere. Rand Paul, who understands the Chinese threat, suggested building a wall along the Pacific Ocean. “That should stimulate the economy,” he said. Ben Carson, the physician, said that all this construction work will be great for America. “It’s a win-win-win solution” Dr. Carson said. “We stop the influx of illegal immigrants, prevent the intrusion of socialist ideologies, and get the country moving again. People sit around all day long. It is time we got people off the couch and into ladders. This will be a wonderful national project. Millions will volunteer to work on the wall, improving their wellness and lowering health care costs at the same time.”

Meanwhile, Chris Christie offered to put bar codes on every newcomer’s forehead and run after them with a scanner to report their whereabouts. In a rare show of unanimity, Ted Cruz and Rick Perry volunteered to run along Christie, chasing newcomers all over Texas. Jeb offered to serve as translator for the border patrol and bake tortillas for immigrants. “We need to show these people some compassion, especially before we send them to work on Donald’s walls,” said the former governor of Florida. Mike Huckabee, in turn, will provide religious counseling to the newcomers.

Lindsey Graham, who has a great deal of experience in foreign affairs, wants to build a wall along the Syrian border. “Today is Germany dealing with the influx of refugees, tomorrow is the USA. We better stop the refugee problem at the source,” the Senator from South Carolina said.

Once the walls are built, we will have to install Wi-Fi and internet stations, said Carly Fiorina, who is the only presidential candidate with a tech background, other than Hilary Clinton of course. “I have the experience to bring cutting edge technology to the walls” she said in an interview with Vox News.

People from all over the world will come to visit The Wall. It will be a showpiece of American ingenuity: Simple, multi-purpose, and ridiculous. Not only it will solve the illegal immigration problem, but it will also improve the health of the nation and prevent dangerous ideologies from sweeping under the border. Not to mention the reality shows already in the making. There are also plans to hold there the next Trump Miss Universe pageant, which was kicked out of Univision last year. The pageant will travel from Wall to Wall to Wall. Trump promised to broadcast the event at Wallivision.  

“When was the last time that Democrats built on each other’s ideas like that?” said Neill O’Malley of Vox News. “The country needs more entrepreneurs who can come up with bold solutions. The wall idea is superb.” 

In the spirit of public-private partnerships, some republican leaders are seeking sponsorships for The Wall from Walmart, Walgreens, and Walt Disney studios. Business commentators believe it will be an amazing marketing opportunity for these companies. Co-branding The Wall with Walmart, Walgreens, and Walt Disney will create unprecedented publicity for these companies. Some have already come up with a slogan: “Come visit the Wall, save money and live better, right at the corner of happy and healthy, where miracles happen.”