NCTQ to tackle Syria and Obesity Next

Educational policy affects the well-being of students, teachers, parents, and especially Deans of Schools of Education.  A recent report has far reaching implications for the well-being of the nation, and beyond.

The National Council on Teacher Quality (NCTQ), an organization much loved by Deans of Education around the country, is poised to tackle Syria and obesity. After fixing education in this country through their report on teacher preparation programs, NCTQ is ready to tackle other global problems.

The report, universally acclaimed for its high scientific and ethical standards, has drawn great praise from the former superintendent of Atlanta Public Schools, The Plumbers Association, and Bernie Madoff. The report raises the bar on scientific approaches to social problems; so much so that President Obama is going to replace the Chief Scientist at the National Academies of Science with an NCTQ intern. Meanwhile, Kate Walsh, president of NCTQ, is rumored to head the Expedited Ethics Board, a new federal agency designed to protect the rights of lobbyists in Washington.

When asked about her data collection methods, Walsh replied that they used drones to gather data from Colleges of Education that refused to cooperate. She went on to describe how telescopic technology was used to read course syllabi that students would discard in the toilet after final exams. To assess the quality of programs, they obtained NSA data provided by Edward Snowden. Mr. Snowden, who was busy teaching an ethics course in the Moscow airport, could not be reached for comment.

Democrats and republicans alike praised the techniques used by NCTQ to solve education in this country. In a rare bipartisan statement, John Boehner and Harry Reid wrote: “We have so much gridlock in Washington. It is time to take an entrepreneurial approach to education. When we ask the National Academy of Science for answers on policy issues, they usually tell us they need to conduct randomized controlled trials and go through lengthy ethics reviews before they can do anything. NCTQ is a model of policy entrepreneurship: fast and decisive. They never equivocate on their decisions. None of this on one hand, but on the other hand nonsense.”

Critics observe that the exclusive focus on teacher preparation may divert attention from social issues such as poverty. When presented with data that instruction accounts for only a quarter of student outcomes, Walsh replied that “the methods used by researchers in the social sciences are highly flawed and antiquated.” She further accused those focusing on poverty of acting on behalf of Fidel Castro and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Given the success of NCTQ in collaborative approaches, they are going to assist the UN in mediating between rebels and the Syrian government. NCTQ developed a secret algorithm for bringing parties together that proved very useful in dealing with intransigent schools of education. Their toolbox includes paying for informants, shaming the other side, and bullying. These techniques, developed by NCTQ staff, “will be very appropriate in the Syrian context,” officials with the UN say.

On the domestic front, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan is asking NCTQ to tackle bullying in schools. Duncan believes they have the necessary experience to identify with bullies and understand their point of view. “It takes one to know one,” the Secretary said.

Meanwhile, Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, has also reached out to NCTQ to help her with the obesity epidemic. Sebelius is interested in learning what families actually eat. According to Sebelius NCTQ has the technological capacity to learn about people without ever talking or interviewing anyone. “They can tell us a great deal about what is going in people’s kitchen. Just as they discovered what is going on in people’s Colleges of Education without ever talking to anyone, I’m sure they can tell us what is inside people’s fridges.”

The NCTQ report is going to be very useful to prospective students of education. For example, the report found the best teacher preparation program in Kishinev, Moldova. John Kerry has already ordered the US embassy there to be ready for an influx of American students going to Moldova for their excellent teacher preparation programs. Walsh said that she would not recommend any teacher preparation program in the United States. To supply new teachers to schools she would look to paragons of efficiency and honesty, like the mortgage industry. She would create an incentive program to recruit former mortgage dealers to teach math for the common core curriculum.

As for Deans of Education, she recommended retraining in Siberia.