The brain of compulsive texters now contains an android-like
cellular mass, surrounded by flickering lights resembling iPhone apps. The
Prefrontal Phontex sits between the Prefrontal Cortex and the skull.
Researchers at the National Institute of
Unnatural History found that the more you text, the larger the Phontex gets
and the smaller your Cortex becomes. Scientists predict that avid users of text
will lose their entire Prefrontal Cortex in six to seven years.
For those unfamiliar with the functions of the Prefrontal
Cortex, it is a part of the brain involved in decision making, complex
cognitive processes, planning, predicting outcomes, suppressing unacceptable
behavior, and distinguishing between good and bad. While health professionals
warn against the disastrous consequences of a Cortex-Free society, Dr.
Tranquilo from the Miami Institute of Psychiatry thinks otherwise. He told me
“that 80% of the people in the city already behave as if they had no Cortex whatsoever
and we are all still here. It’s the way of the future. Miami is a harbinger for
the entire country.”
The Chamber of Commerce of Miami Dade County sees this as a
great opportunity to attract new businesses and research centers. “This development
builds on our strengths,” said a spokesperson for the Chamber. “We have gotten
so used to people without a Prefrontal Cortex that other cities can learn from
us.” “Come to a World Like No Other. Visit Miami, City with no Prefrontal
Cortex.”
Speaking anonymously, an executive with the
telecommunication industry told the Associated Press that they are already
saving money for the lawsuits. He told me that “texting will be nothing
compared to selfies.” They have become so popular that selfie was named word of
the year for 2013. “More and more people are selfying and driving.”
For their part, texters claim that the state is not doing
enough to protect them from their devices. “They recently passed a law in
Florida to prevent texting while driving that is totally unenforceable” told me
a 26 year old while he was texting and driving on US 1. An investigation into
the conviction rates under the new law shows that last year fewer people have
gotten convicted than were able to access the Healthcare.gov website.
When I approached the Governor’s office about the dismal
rate of convictions in Florida they referred me his spokeswoman.
Spokeswoman: “We have too many Medicare fraud and political
corruption cases in Florida. There is only so much our jails can handle.”
Me: “Does it bother you that people are getting into
accidents because they are distracted by their phones?”
Spokeswoman: “It’s a free society. We cannot interfere with
their choices, but one solution that Governor Scot is exploring is to give
every Floridian a Google car -- those that don’t require a driver.”
Me: “And how is he going to pay for that?”
Spokeswoman: “Google will give every Floridian a driverless car
and will throw in a pair of Google glasses. In return, the Governor will give to
Google all of Miami, present and future residents included, before the next
gubernatorial election.”
Lawyers show no interest in enforcing the law either, as
they are now charging clients by words texted. “If our clients are in jail,
they cannot text us because their phones are taken away, depriving us of a new
source of revenue,” told me Mr. Suetime.
“It’s much better for us to keep our clients on the streets, where they
can text and drive.” Law Schools also welcome a Cortex-Free society, especially
at a time of declining enrollments.
When I interviewed several compulsive texters about their
habits, they told me that they are afraid of FOMO: Fear of Missing Out. They
are constantly texting and looking at their Facebook page because they want to
be the first one to know that their best friend had diarrhea.
This column appeared in Miami Today, 5/21/2014
