Denmark to Face Sanctions

Carnivores, who make up 98% of the world population, suddenly realized they eat animals. It was not until February 2014 when the Copenhagen Zoo killed a giraffe and fed it to the lions that carnivores made the connection between killing animals and their steak dinner. “Come to think of it, I never made the connection” said Jeff O’Brian from Tuscaloosa. “I want to thank CNN for bringing this to my attention. I’m done eating animals, from now on I’m only eating chicken” he said.

In barbecue picnics around the world demonstrators protested the killing of Marius the giraffe. “Pass me the bacon,” said Theresa Kluless, as she held a placard denouncing the Danish government in Nashville.

In China, students were discussing the horrible tragedy as they were sipping shark fin soup in ivory bowls in Beijing. In Japan, mothers in a park were aghast. “It is unacceptable to kill a cute giraffe and feed it to the lions,” said one in Tokyo as she offered her child a dolphin sushi.

Meanwhile, the Beef Association of America published a full page ad in papers across the country denouncing the killing of Marius. “Giraffes are cute animals. They deserve protection from humans.” Similar condemnation came from the Chicken Growers Association: “In America we treat animals humanly. We would never dream of showing them on TV before we kill them. It is very stressful to the animals.” 

Of the 6.86 billion meat eaters around the world, 3 promised to become vegetarians in solidarity with Marius. For veggie people, this is very encouraging news. At this rate, it would take only 2.078999 billion years and 3.44521 billion slaughtered giraffes for the entire world to become vegetarian. For others, this whole vegetarian thing is moving way too fast. Cattle growers are afraid that some other zoo in Denmark will by mistake kill a cow on TV and lead 3 more people to lead a vegetarian lifestyle. Diplomatic efforts are under way to remove all cows from Denmark and hide them in an undisclosed location. Our sources tell us that it will be either Guantanamo or the new Trump Golf Course in Doral. “Both places have plenty of grass,” said our contact in condition of anonymity.  

In a top secret operation, code named “vaca loca,” NAVY SEALS will airlift Denmark’s 475,000 cows in 6 Apache helicopters and drop them at the undisclosed location. “We are a little worried about the Holstein. We know that the Red Dane and the Jersey are pretty docile though.” The whole operation is expected to last 18 minutes. “Based on our experience with Bin Laden, it should be smooth. We don’t expect any enemy fire from the Danes. To tell you the truth, I don’t even know if they have an army” said a Pentagon official. To make sure that all goes well, the operation will take place while the Danish televise the killing of the next giraffe. “Everybody will be glued to their TV sets at that time,” predicted our source. 

As rumors spread about “vaca loca,” the Fur Trade Association is already upset that the navy is using the politically incorrect name SEALS as operatives. “With all this animal love fest going on, the name seals will invoke seal slaughter, and before you know it, we will have a bunch of seal lovers protesting all over the place about fur coats.”

Given the pernicious global repercussions of Danish barbarism, the UN is considering sanctions against Denmark. The Security Council is considering a number of actions to bring Denmark in line with the ethical standards of the international community:

1.      Banning herring for 12 months.

2.      Disallowing the use of bicycles to go to work.

3.      Removing the philosophical essays of Soren Kierkegaard from libraries around the world.

4.      Replacing Tuborg with Miller Lite at restaurants around the Copenhagen zoo.

5.      Stripping Hans Christian Andersen of his Danish citizenship.

6.      Turning soccer fields into rehabilitation grounds for wounded giraffes.

7.      Military invasion.

Efforts are also under way to block incendiary websites such as the animal kill counter. The website claims that in the time it takes you to read this piece approximately 350,000 marine animals, 185,000 chickens, 10,000 ducks, 5,600 pigs, 4,000 rabbits, 3,500 turkeys, 2,800 geese, 1,750 geese, 2,800 sheep, 2,000 goats, 1,650 cows and calves, 105 dogs, 27 horses, 20 donkeys and mules and 14 camels would be slaughtered by the meat, egg, and dairy industry. May Marius and all these animals rest in peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clichés

I hate clichés. They are a lazy person’s way to have, and end, a conversation. There are so many problems with clichés. Take for example some popular ones on health and wellness:

·         A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety (Aesop – Fables): Is the crust whole wheat? Is it gluten-free? Was the banquet vegan, lacto-ovo, kosher, halal, low-purine, high-fiber, or just your mainstream artery-clogging, cholesterol-enhancing, BMI-busting, cardiac-arresting fare? Details please.

·         Early to bed, early to rise, makes a person healthy, wealthy, and wise: This quote does not tell you anything useful, such as when exactly to go to bed, what time zone we are talking about, how do you define wealthy and how to account for inflation since Ben Franklin coined the phrase. We scientists need more specifics than generalities.

·         I believe God allows us to make U-turns in life (Mormon website): Does that rule apply across all states? I don’t think God visited Miami lately. If I tried to make some U-turns in Miami I’d get killed.

·         The man who doesn’t relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse a little later on (Elbert Hubbard). I know Mr. Hubbard was a great American philosopher, writer, artist and all that, but frankly, I don’t give a hoot.

And then there are people who are not satisfied with existing clichés but invent their own. A relative’s friend recently passed away. The deceased weighed 418 lbs, smoked like a chimney, never exercised in his life, invented Type A personality, ate like there was no tomorrow, and one night, surprise surprise, dropped dead at a young age. Talking to my relative about the untimely dead of his friend he said: “it’s all luck in life.”

When I make the stupid mistake of talking to people about health and the importance of proper nutrition, physical activity, and sleep, they often tell me “we all die in the end.” Alternatively, they tell me that “you have to enjoy life” or “it won’t kill you to go wild once in a while.” The latter is usually accompanied by some story about a distant relative who ate seven eggs for breakfast, butter-roasted pig with a two gallon regular coke for lunch, and French fries with melted provolone and a bucket of whole milk ice cream for dinner, and lived to be 102. At this point in my writing many readers begin to feel defensive, so let me drop the subject right now because “better a carnivore reader in hand than a thousand in a vegan market.”