MSNBC and Obamacare to blame for Atlanta storm

Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal offered a long list of excuses for his failed response to warnings of a major approaching storm. First he blamed the National Weather Service. Then he blamed his wife for not waking him up when the storm was upgraded from catastrophic to horrendous. He finally settled on Obamacare. “Obamacare is having a much more negative impact on our country than we anticipated,” he said.

Meanwhile, Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed, who was being honored as Georgian of the Year when snow started falling, kept blaming MSNBC for showing pictures of the highways, and not of Atlanta proper, which, he claimed, was up and running again after only 30 hours and tens of thousands of motorists freezing their butts for 12 hours in their cars! “If they hadn’t shown misleading pictures of people stranded in highways, instead of the city, none of this would have happened” claimed the new Georgian of the Year.

 

GOP: Socialized medicine in Canada leads to moral degeneracy

The GOP organized a press conference yesterday to argue that socialized medicine leads to moral degeneracy. “The recent arrest of Canadian singer Justin Beiber and the erratic behavior of Toronto’s Mayor Rob Ford are irrefutable proof that Obamacare will lead to the erosion of the moral fiber of this country,” claimed Trey Radel, a freshman Republican congressman from Florida, who is currently on probation for possession of cocaine. Surrounded by Lindsay Lohan and former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, they vowed to create a bipartisan initiative to block any type of Canadian socialized medicine in this country. "Our politicians and celebrities are beyond reproach in this nation" said Lohan.  

Governor Christie: I suffer from Metabullyc Syndrome

In the State of the State speech in New Jersey, Governor Christie disclosed very personal and sensitive information that explains the whole George Washington bridge scandal. At long last, we have an honest account of the traffic jam.  

“I suffer from Metabullyc Syndrome” revealed the Governor. This is a rare disease related to the well-known Metabolic Syndrome, which is the cause of obesity in many people. “This is a mutation of the Metabolic Syndrome. In addition to causing obesity, it also leads to uncontrolled episodes of bullying,” said Dr. Apollo Gia from the Institute of Republican Diseases and Pretexts. “Metabullyc disease can cause uncontrolled vengeful behavior. There is nothing the patient can do about it without proper treatment. This is not a criminal case, this is a medical case” observed Dr. Gia.

The good news, Christie said, is that it can be treated. “I’m already taking a heavy dosage of Bullytrophia. Doctors said that I should be in great shape by 2016.”

Male Emotional Brain Found in Garage

I envy my wife. When we go for walks with other couples she usually goes next to the woman, and I usually get stuck with the man. While they get to talk about how they are feeling and how life is going, I get to hear exhilarating updates on garage renovations. From garage talk they move to the latest Harley- Davidson model, followed by an analysis of why the Marlins are still an awful team. If I get a lucky break my male companion will ask me how I am doing, but I quickly learned that they have no interest whatsoever in the answer.

Male Friend: How are you doing?

Isaac: Well, as of late…

Male Friend (interrupting me of course): Great! Have you been to Home Depot lately? Toilet paper is on sale.

I have an adorable and wonderful friend that all he can talk about is the state of his roof and the brake pads on his car. We used to go for walks together and he’d pick up old newspapers from the floor in case there were coupons for Home Depot.

The one emotion that men often express is anger. They are so detached from their feelings that, when something doesn’t go their way, frustration turns quickly into aggression. Their inability to process the mildest threat leads them to a complete meltdown. I know a specimen that when the world doesn’t behave according to his whim he goes into a predictable pattern: (a) regression to prenatal stage, (b) nonsensical verbiage, (c) self-pity, (d) pouting, (e) abusive language, (f) threat of retaliation, (g) rant about lack of justice in the world.

Next to anger, control and domination are pretty common expressions of the male species, not to mention sexual supremacy.  We are not talking here about subtle control and flirtation, but Rambo style brutality. These might have been useful in the African Savanna; but somebody forgot to tell them that most of us are no longer running away from packs of Tyrannosaurs.

Despite the fact that most of us are no longer running away from Tyrannosaurs, most of us still worry about a lot of stuff. In my dreams, I have some recurring fears:

1.       I am late for my flight

2.       I find myself naked in a busy intersection

3.       I am not prepared to teach my class (this one comes in several varieties: somebody assigned me to teach nuclear physics, Chinese, or organic chemistry)

4.       I lost my wallet

5.       I lost my bag

6.       I ate meat

7.       I am late paying my life insurance

To cope with my fears, I obsessively plan (all my life insurance policies are on automatic debit). It usually works, but I still have some primal fears of public shame, as in numbers 2 and 3 above. I thought of getting degrees in nuclear physics, Chinese and organic chemistry, but I rather write silly stories. To prevent the humiliation of number 2 I always leave home with my clothes on. Not only that, but I also take a change of clothes.

Number 7 above presents a unique challenge. I worry a lot about my family. This one is not hard to decipher. I lost my parents when I was 8 years old (no joke). Both died in a car accident. It doesn’t take a psychoanalyst to figure out I worry about death, my own, and others. Ora, my wife, uses a wheelchair and she has a hard time getting up from bed, which is when I come in. The other night I woke up thinking that if I die in the middle of the night of a heart attack she might not be able to get up the next day, and she would die from starvation; our son would become an orphan, and it is all MY FAULT, and I’m not even alive to feel guilty. Which is why I have never seen a life insurance policy I did not like.

 

 

Test Your Wellness IQ

Myth: If you go to some hospitals in California, you will pay $ 24 for a Tylenol with codeine pill that has a market price of $ 0.50.

Fact: You will not pay $ 24. You will pay instead $ 37 for a single Tylenol pill! 

Myth: A stitch in time saves nine.

Fact: I don’t know what stitches you are talking about, but in most hospitals around the country, nine stitches will cost you about $ 4500.

Unlike most things I write about, these facts are true. I know they are true because they were reported by the New York Times on December 3^rd, 2013. Granted, that newspaper does have a liberal bias, but even if they exaggerated a bit, you still end up with a pretty big number. Let’s say the New York Times reports that a Tylenol pill costs $ 37, and Fox News says it costs $ 23, you still end up with an average of $ 30, which is enough to build a small hospital in Burundi.  

Let’s face it. If you don’t want to become a victim of overpriced pills or medical procedures, you must invest in wellness. But before we jump into dangerous territory, such as getting up from the couch to eat a piece of broccoli, let’s assess your overall well-being. Answer the following quiz:

Interpersonal well-being: When you need emotional support…

a.       You hug strangers at random in the mall

b.      You post tragic messages on Facebook and stare intently at the screen for hours in hope that somebody will feel pity for you and throw you a word of sympathy

c.       You flip channels until you find a reality TV show with characters more pathetic than you

If you answered a, you should wash your hands often. If you answered b, you should go to meetup.com and start a Desperate Anonymous group. If you answered c, you are like 99.9% of Americans.

Community well-being: When there is crime in your neighborhood…

a.       You blame the police

b.      You blame the National Rifle Association

c.       You blame Obamacare

If you answered a, you are in trouble because the police will come after you next. If you answered b, you are Piers Morgan. If you answered c, you are watching too much Fox News.

Occupational well-being: When you are not satisfied with your work…

a.       You spend 95% of your time at work on the internet looking for another job

b.      You spend 85% of your time at work on the internet posting nasty messages about your boss

c.       You spend 75% of your time at work pretending that you are working.

If you answered a, you are like Kathleen Sebelius and most contractors trying to fix Healthcare.gov. If you answered b, you are like most reality TV characters. If you answered c, you are like 127% of Americans.

Psychological well-being: When you feel stressed…

a.       You smoke 3 packs of cigarettes per day

b.      You send your wife to the gym

c.       You buy a stress reduction book on Amazon

If you answered a, don’t get near me with that awful smell. If you answered b, you will be able to smoke in peace. If c is your answer, be careful the book is not delivered by a drone that will confuse you with a Pakistani terrorist.

Physical well-being: When you feel the urge to exercise…

a.       You sit tight and wait until it passes

b.      You go to the mall and buy new exercise clothes

c.       You buy an exercise video from Amazon

If you answered a, you are like 99% of Americans. If you chose b, you are like 98% of Americans. If you chose c, the drone will eventually get you.

Economic well-being: When you max out on your credit card…

a.       You have been buying too many exercise clothes you will never use

b.      You blame Obamacare

c.       You get a new credit card

If you answered a, you can open your own Lululemon store. If you answered b, no need to worry because you will eventually get a job at Fox News. If you answered c, you are like 99% of college graduates.

Now sum up how many of your answers are a, b, and c. If you answered “a” more than three times, you can become a wellness coach and start getting suckers to buy your videos. If you answered “b” more than four times, you have a tendency to blame others for your problems and you very likely have eczema. If you answered “c” twice or more, you should try to get your cholesterol level below 400 and eat more kohlrabi, raw, with mice juice. The alternative is to pay $ 30 for a Tylenol pill, or become a vegan like me.