Professional Conduct Guaranteed: Take Two

The National Football League proved once again that ethics is second nature to the profession. After twenty five years of conclusive evidence that concussions cause irreparable brain damage in players, the NFL appointed Richard Incognito to chair a committee on headaches. Incognito, whose fame as a champion of diversity is well known to Miamians, said “we will make sure that no current or former player, or their families, now or in the future, ever complain about concussions without a personal visit by me. ” Incognito made the comment a few moments after he tweeted his support for, major surprise, Donald Trump. Trump reciprocated by promising Incognito the top job at the national spy agency.  

Thank God we still have the Republican party to show what ethics are all about in politics. In Flint, Michigan, where city officials wanted to save money by supplying contaminated water, the GOP is doing what responsible politicians do: blame Canada.  Republicans in Michigan are urging Governor Rick Snyder to join Donald Trump as VP. “We will show the rest of the world what upright men do,” a republican operative said. Meanwhile Mitch McConnell, majority leader in the senate, is about to show the country the ethics of obstructing the nomination of a supreme court judge. “It would be irresponsible to nominate a new judge while efforts are still under way to resuscitate Antonin Scalia” said McConnell. 

The Pharmaceutical Industry leads the way though. To ensure maximum rigor, instead of drafting their own code of ethics, they used the one from the Tobacco Industry, which used Lance Armstrong and Maria Sharapova as consultants. We learn from the best said Martin Shkreli, who raised the price of the anti-parasitic drug Daraprim more than fifty fold in recent months.

To be sure, pharmaceutical representatives adhere to strict principles of equality. They reward all doctors the same for pushing their pills, regardless of nationality, ethnicity, or place of origin. It is inconceivable to them to discriminate on the basis of anything other than ability to increase sales of Obliviontix.

Determined to lead the way, the Food and Drug Administration decided to become the toughest. As of 2016, no more than 11 out of the 12 person panel reviewing new medications will be allowed to serve if they have a conflict of interest. This is seen as a blow to the pharmaceuticals that lobbied hard to keep the number at 12.

The National Security Administration, however, remains the paragon of professional conduct among government offices. When listening to Angela Merkel’s conversations they deleted all reference to her views on Greece, Portugal, Spain, and Muslim men.

The North American League of Mayors imposes strict penalties on violations of professional conduct of the smallest kind. This is why the former Mayor of San Diego, Bob Filner, complained that he was willing to seek George Zimmerman’s counsel but was fined $ 1,500 nevertheless. After sexually harassing the entire female population of City Hall, justice was served, and the poor Filner had to be on probation for 90 days and keep his hands to himself. The North American League of Overly Sexually Active Mayors interceded on his behalf, claiming that a day’s suspension would have been harsh enough. “We are all for equal treatment under the law” a spokesman for the organization said. They said that Filner never sent pictures of his male organs via twitter like Anthony Wiener, a mayoral candidate in New York City, and therefore a more lenient punishment would have sufficed. In a show of force the League of Mayors demanded that any future pornographic pictures sent by Wiener be done anonymously.

Granted, some groups, such as bankers, mortgage lenders, and Chris Christie’s associates are morally challenged, but not to worry. Many repentant souls have seen the light and are ready to help. For sexual perversions call the Law Offices of Spitzer Wiener Filner Berlusconi Strauss-Khan Woods. For pathological lying call Armstrong Incognito Trump Zimmerman Sharapova and Associates. Professional conduct guaranteed. 

Isaac Prilleltensky is author of the forthcoming The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier He can be reached at isaac@miami.edu

Empathy and Chutzpah

When I was building my family, I was all for promoting self-expression. I was all for women’s liberation and children’s liberation. I wanted my wife and son to feel free to express their views and feelings. BIG MISTAKE! 

As a result of my foolishness, I have spent the last thirty years surrounded by overly assertive family members who challenge my every word, question my judgment, and want me to experiment with colors other than brown. Our son never had a thought that didn’t find its way into his mouth. My wife, in turn, never had a grievance she didn’t express. Oh, the joys of democracy. But I have to admit that both have made me a better person: more empathic, more sensitive, more egalitarian, more democratic, more in tune with my feelings. So much so, that I can never speak to male friends anymore. So much so, that every major decision in the house, like the color of my underwear, requires a meeting with minutes and secret ballot.

Coping with assertive family members has been excellent training for dealing with students. The other day, and this is a true story, I received an email from a student at another university telling me that his psych professor had assigned them a paper that I had written for them to critique. The student had the chutzpah of asking me to write a few points critiquing my own bloody paper! I hadn’t heard such chutzpah since the son who killed his parents asked the judge for leniency because he was an orphan.

Mastering interactions is basically about two things: expressing your ideas respectfully, and listening attentively. During my career I have been in too many meetings where people had no idea about either of them. In one corner, you usually have the rantologist who, no matter what the topic is, will always rant about his pet peeve. In the other corner, you have the sorryologist, who cannot stop apologizing for his existence. Instead of talking about substance, he spends most of the time apologizing for expressing an opinion. Then you have the repeatologist, who must repeat everything four times to feel satisfied. And then there is me, going crazy.

There is family, there are colleagues, and then, of course, there are Miami drivers. Mastering interactions with each of them is no small feat. Going to faculty meetings is good training for driving in Miami. Whereas my wife and my son have made me more sensitive, empathic, democratic, egalitarian, and in tune with my feelings; faculty meetings have made me more like, you know, Miami drivers.