Crowdsourcing Diseases Good for Economy

Every few years the American Psychiatric Association (APA) updates its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental and Emotional Disorders. The manual, usually called the DSM, is now in its fifth edition and sells like hot cakes. It is worth noting that the number of psychiatric conditions has grown approximately 7982% from the first edition to the latest, leaving only three people on the planet who can legitimately claim they are not kookoo. I’m not going to mention who these people are because the remaining 6,334,999,485,230 will likely sue me for defamation and Obamacare doesn’t protect you from kookoos. You will have to guess if you are one of these people. If you don’t want to guess, you will have to buy a copy of the DSM and review its 27,812,903,225 conditions to see if any apply to you. The problem is that if you did not have a psychiatric condition when you started reading the manual, you surely will have one by the time you finish the book, leaving only two sane people on the entire planet, throwing off my statistical calculations by 0.0000000000000004%; which is very inconsiderate.

The APA is unfairly accused of inventing new psychiatric problems to provide job security for psychiatrists and Nespresso machines for all its employees. To assist the APA with its current woes, I have devised a system that would turn the DSM into an engine of economic opportunity for the entire nation and make APA the most loved professional organization in the world: Crowdsourcing updates for the DSM.

This is how this would work. People would submit new psychiatric conditions to the APA. If accepted, submitters would receive a $ 5 rebate every time they saw a psychiatrist and a 15% discount on future medications developed to treat the condition they proposed. Given that only three people on the planet are not diagnosed with a psychiatric condition, most of us will benefit from this win-win-win solution: Patients get a discount and participate in the democratic and scientific process of inventing diseases, the APA improves its tarnished reputation, and pharmaceuticals have a never ending stream of conditions on which to try medications that never worked for their intended purpose.

In anticipation, I came up with 54 psychiatric conditions I wish to submit for inclusion in the next DSM. My top three:

1.       Voice induced gender identity confusion

2.       First class envy

3.       Big ears trauma

For years I have suffered from people confusing me with members of the opposite sex on the phone. I have yet to come up with a proper response when people on the other end of the line call me Mrs. To prevent such embarrassment I have occasionally tried to project a very manly voice on the phone, especially with service people I don’t know. Alternatively I say “this is ISAAC Prilleltensky calling,” to which people often reply “how can I help you Ma’am?” I’m sure I’m not the only person suffering from such common but yet undiagnosed condition. Therefore, I came up with a solution that would solve the problem forever and provide jobs not just to psychiatrists but also to surgeons and music engineers: vocal chords transplant. Enterprising music engineering students would devise a menu of manly voices to choose from:

1.       Luciano Pavarotti

2.       Placido Domingo

3.       Frank Sinatra

4.       Marlon Brando

“I’ll take Placido please, with a little more baritone.” I’m sure by the time I finish publishing this there will be a dozen start-up companies working on my cure.

First class envy is a condition afflicting millions of people who fly economy, especially those who fly long hours with their knees up to their chins. We recently flew to Israel with our knees and feet kissing our foreheads. To make sure we did not think much about our leg problems two adorable brothers aged 8 and 5 kept kicking the back of my seat every time I started falling asleep. The only thing I could think of other than opening the emergency exit and disposing of the kids was how nice it must be to fly first class.

To cope with this malady I have a number of recommendations:

1.       Overthrow the government, nationalize the airlines, and eliminate first class

2.       Develop an envy elimination pill

3.       Stay home

Big ears trauma is a particularly challenging condition, especially because I can hear so loud and clear when people on the phone say to me “how can I help you Ma’am?” This is probably a case of co-morbidity: Big ears, girly voice. The only thing that stops me from doing plastic surgery on my ears is saving for vocal chords transplant and first class seats.

Nobel Committee, I'm not Bitter

My latest column from the Miami Herald

The phone call never came. I freed up most of my days for the last couple of weeks in anticipation of the phone call from the Nobel Committee, but it never came. Although I’m not bitter, I have to admit I’m surprised. Considering that I was nominated in several categories, it was hard to believe that, once again, I was skipped over for the Nobel Prize. Admirers the world over recommended me in several fields. Here’s a short list of categories and my corresponding achievements or discoveries, as the case may be:

1.       Anthropology: Immigration from lawless countries, when combined with a high concentration of plastic surgery billboards, in regions with annual average temperatures above 86 Fahrenheit, results in reckless driving and higher than average Medicare and tax fraud. 

2.       Linguistics: Based upon observational studies in Hialeah, I discovered that no matter how long or how well Hispanics speak English, they cannot bring themselves to use the word “but” instead of the Spanish “pero.” They can speak flawless English, but the “but” will never replace the genetically and culturally imprinted “pero.”

3.       Complaining: This one was recommended by a Herald reader who commented that I was the biggest tool in the world for complaining so much about everything. I am very gratified by his newfound sense of irony and humbled by his nomination.

4.       Literature: This one is obvious.

5.       Chemistry: I discovered that no matter how tasteless the food is in our house, if you add liquid aminos, which is an all purpose condiment made from soy, it prevents vomiting.

6.       Peace: I moved to Israel from Argentina in 1976. In 1977 Anwar El Sadat came to the Holy Land and in 1979 signed the peace agreement between Egypt and Israel with Menachem Begin. Say no more.

7.       Medicine: The failed launch of Obamacare is causing heartburn to the Democrats. The successful launch will cause heartburn to the Republicans.  

8.       Economics: When the GDP (Gazillion Debt per Person) of the United States is equal or higher than the gap between the actual and reported rate of inflation in Argentina, the Chinese burst in laughter and go on a shopping spree, growing consumer demand, and raising commodity prices in Australia, leading to record sales of beer and wine Down Under.

9.       Psychology: I discovered that when members of a particular political party lose the elections they develop electile dysfunction, which is characterized by regression to the temper tantrum age of two, the impulse to destroy the country, and political suicide.

10.   Physics: In Miami the wavelength of the colors yellow, green, and red are the same.

Not since Leonardo da Vinci has anyone come up with so many discoveries to improve the human condition, but I’m not bitter. I’m just curious. At first I thought that the Nobel Committee did not pick me because I was Jewish, but then I read about all the Jews who were given the Nobel Prize and I figured it must be something else. 

I wonder if my nomination went to spam. No, wait, I wonder if the paper copies were not delivered because of the government shutdown. That must be it! USPS must have not delivered the package! While I was worried sick that my scientific and artistic attainments did not reach Nobel level, there is a more sensible explanation: my materials did not reach the committee. Next year I will UPS the submission, with a copy via FedEx. I tell you, you cannot trust government services.  

I know what you are thinking, that I’m full of s_ _ _ , pero I want you to know that I did have an uncle who received the Nobel Prize in Medicine. César Milstein, who received the Nobel Prize in 1984, was married to my dad’s cousin, Celia Prilleltensky, which goes to show that in my family we are smart enough to marry Nobel material, which is not a far cry from getting the Nobel Prize ourselves. 

I know I’m getting close because Daniel Kahneman, a psychologist, like me, who lived in Israel and then the United States, like me, received the Nobel Prize in 2002. This year, the writer Alice Munro, who is Canadian, like me, received the Nobel Prize in Literature for writing short stories, like me. My uncle César Milstein left Argentina because of political instability, like me. I just have to make sure that my materials get to the Nobel Committee in time next year. I’m already working on the press release. I’m blocking off the entire month of October. The phone call is coming. I know it.   

 

Condo Living: Behave or go to Raiford Prison

Just outside the door of our condo in Hollywood Beach there is a fire extinguisher with an ominous warning: If you tamper with it you will go to RAIFORD PRISON. Apparently previous signs with mere warnings of incarceration did nothing to deter the elderly Jewish ladies from having wild foam parties. What the sign does not mention, however, is that the town of Raiford is home to both Union Correctional Institution AND Florida State Prison, leading to great confusion among residents. This is especially the case since Wikipedia states that both “house inmates in death row facilities, but only Florida State Prison does executions.” Keep the bastards guessing!

Complete Shutdown Only Way to Fix Obamacare

Every human being on the planet knows that the best way to solve computer problems is to shut the whole thing down. Not just one program, but the entire system: COMPLETE SHUTDOWN. You turn it off, and then you turn it on, and the problem is fixed. If Obama would only listen to the GOP, all the problems accessing health exchanges online would be solved in a minute.

The simplest way to get my computer unstuck is to shut it down. This is what my tech people tell me all the time, and guess what, it works! Isn’t this what you do when your computer gets stuck?

It turns out that Republicans unconsciously want Obamacare, and this is why they are pressing the Obama administration to shut down the entire government. If Obama did a complete shutdown, not a partial one, the online access to the health exchanges would be fixed right away.

Preventing Syria from becoming the new AfghanIraq

I have been so busy diagnosing the Republican lunacy and trying to access the healthcare exchanges that I forgot to take credit for my role in preventing Syria from becoming the new AfghanIraq.

As you may recall, prior to the government shutdown, a million Republican temper tantrums ago, we were about to bomb Syria. Obama was very hesitant. He vacillated between diplomacy and military action. To help the President, I sent him an email with an offer he could not refuse. He has written me several times asking for money, so I figured he has me on his Blackberry. I suggested creating a simple decision matrix with pros, cons, short term, and long term. This simple “two by two” chart could help him decide whether to bomb Syria or work for the elimination of chemical weapons. His answers revealed a close call. See for yourself:

Option 1: Bombing Syria to send a strong message that chemical weapons are not nice

Pros long term: More jobs for our weapons industry to replace missiles used in Syria. Economy improves.  

Cons long term: Syria becomes the new AfghanIraq. Michelle said that if I bomb Syria she will stop baking chocolate chip cookies for me.

Pros short term: Show critics that I can also make thoughtless decisions.

Cons short term: Will miss basketball practice.

Option 2: Eliminating chemical weapons with the help of nice people like Putin

Pros long term: More jobs for our chemical weapons cleanup industry. Economy improves.  

Cons long term: Syria becomes the new AfghanIraq. Putin will never stop talking about it.

Pros short term: Michelle will bake chocolate chip cookies for me on Sunday.

Cons short term: Will miss basketball practice.

Presidential historians say that most decisions by commanders in chief are a close call, unless you are George W. Bush, who was a self-proclaimed decider, and had no idea where Syria was.

I understand the President because I also have tough decisions to make, such as watching Dancing with the Stars or reruns of the Big Bang Theory; eating in or going out; brown rice or quinoa.

But unlike President Obama, I’m a decider. My family and I have moved around quite a bit, and every time we have to buy a house, I have a rule. I want to buy the first house we see. My discerning wife, on the contrary, likes to see 329 houses before we decide what to buy. When we moved to Miami, I was all set to buy the first condo the realtor showed us, until Ora reminded me, and the despondent realtor, that we had 328 to go before we could make a decision on a place.

Ora, my meticulous wife, likes to explore all angles of our decisions. Every airplane ticket we buy must be compared across 17 internet sites to get the best deal. By the time we compare and contrast, and want to buy the first one we saw, which usually has the best price, the ticket is gone because we took too long comparing. I never thought I would say this, but Ora is more like Obama, and I’m more like GW.

When we moved to Australia from Canada, I operated like GW. I landed in Sydney in May 1999 and after half an hour of landing I called Ora to tell her that we were moving to Australia, at which point she said that I was crazy. A few months later we moved to Australia and we looked at 329 houses before we bought the first one we saw.

Recently we were having dinner with a colleague who shared with me a fabulous tip: the 20 minute rule. No matter what he has to decide, he usually allocates 20 minutes to most decisions: get married – 20 minutes; buy a house – 20 minutes; move to another continent – 20 minutes; have surgery – 20 minutes. I really like that rule. I think President Obama should adopt it. After 20 minutes of playing basketball he should decide whether to bomb Syria or collaborate with Putin. In the end, he decided to go for the diplomatic solution, but I never got a thank you note. I’m sure his server went down. IT is trying to fix his Blackberry, but they are tied up fixing the health exchanges.

 

Boehnerictus fighting Cruzade against Obamacare

Historians around the country are trying to find precedents to the Cruzade that Boehnerictus is fighting against his own country. According to Professor Newt Rall from Princeton University, all the previous crusades were against other peoples and other countries. This Cruzade, claimed Newt Rall, “is unlike anything we’ve seen in the last thousand years.”  

But historians are not the only ones scratching their heads. Psychologists and psychiatrists met today to explore the collective memory loss experienced by Boehnerictus and his Cruzaders. Moderate members of the GOP convened a panel on the inability of their colleagues to remember that they lost the election in which Obamacare was fought. Worried that their colleagues might have also forgotten that slavery was abolished, the moderate Republicans invited behavioral scientists to help them in their quest to cure the Cruzaders and their Cantors.

Moderate Republicans are concerned that the people will accuse them of being passive bystanders while their fanatic colleagues destroy the country. Some of the judicious GOP members were seen consulting with psychologists after the panel.

Parenting experts are also trying to help moderate Republicans. Dr. Nev Ermind, appearing in The Today Show, claimed that the Cruzade is typical of two year olds and it will pass when they reach the maturity characteristic of three year olds.  

Boehner and Cantor offered asylum in North Korea

Republican leaders are heroes in North Korea, Iran, and Russia. Cantor and Boehner are actively negotiating how to end the hostage situation and where to flee for refuge. “Having shut down government, deprived sick children of needed clinical trials, wreaked havoc in the country, and forced government employees to go without pay, our work is done” declared John Boehner in a conference call with Tea party loyalists.

Boehner was moved to tears when he got calls from the North Korean government offering him and Cantor permanent asylum. The pair is now negotiating with President Obama how to end the hostage situation. Sources close to the negotiation revealed the following demands by Cantor and Boehner:

1.       Guaranteed US health care for them and their families in North Korea

2.       Change the name of our electoral system from democracy to repocracy

3.       Add carvings of Cantor and Boehner to Mount Rushmore to secure their place in history alongside George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln

4.       End food stamps program to eliminate obesity among the poor

5.       President Obama to secure them a movie deal among his many Hollywood friends

6.       History books to omit the part about children with cancer going without treatment